My hand turned me down
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
