pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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