just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
