the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
