dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i just made my gag reflex go away.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
