i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
