How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
