The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
