People with herpes should wear stickers.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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