So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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