this beer tastes like vomit already
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
