I CAN MOONWALK!
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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