be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
