My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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