i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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