We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Randomize
