life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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