you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
