you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
He passed out mid-signature
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
