we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
