Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
