just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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