Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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