my mouth tastes like poor choices
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
