the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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