Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
