I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
