You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
