I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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