I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
