she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
