I puked a lego.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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