Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I need water and some morals
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
