my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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