Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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