Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
