Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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