So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
