no, he came in my armpit
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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