Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
