i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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