my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
