Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
