apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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