i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
