someone threw a dead crab at me
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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