We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
