the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
