Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
