I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
